Hello. I’m Monty. Have a seat on that couch. You can just move those magazines out of the way. Would you like some wine? No? Well I’ll have some more. I’m just going to pour some more wine… into my… Star Wars coffee mug. There. Cheers to Derek Waters and Jeremy Konner [editors note: creators of the Comedy Central show Drunk History]. I’m gonna talk to you about Montrey Hishtree Fesht. Wait. I can say it: Monterey… History… Fest. Nailed it. What do you want to know? I won’t bore you with all the… hic… details. There’s a website for that [monterey.org]. I’ll tell you what I think are the coolest parts of it, like my Top 5. Okay? Okay. This is what I think. Let me have another drink of my wine. Mmn. Oops. Spilled some on my T-shirt. Good thing it’s white wine. Okay, here we go.

Cooper Molera Adobe. 11am-4pm Sat and Sun.

With some buildings, people are like, “Whoa. That building’s so old, we gotta tear it down.” But if a building can stick around long enough, then people are like, “Whoa. That building’s so old, we can’t tear it down.” This is one of them. You know this adobe, right? Built in 1827, National Historic Landmark, used to be a general store? No? Next to Trader Joe’s? That’s the one! Anyway, it just got renovenated. It’s going to have a restaurant called Cella that everyone’s going to mispronounce. Excuse me while I pour myself anoth… another drink. Ah. Now what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Junipero Serra. He was pretty tough. And he walked a lot. He was like, “No Uber for me. Walking’s my jam.”

173rd birthday at Fisherman’s Wharf. 1-5pm Sun.

“Go shorty. It’s your birthday. We gonna party like it’s your birthday.” Whoo-hooo! It’s Fisherman's Wharf's 173rd birthday! Wow, it is old. There’s not going to be Bacardi sippin’, but there’s going to be free cake at 3:30pm. And pirate costumes. And stilt walkers. And a princess. Oh, and a historian will be walking around. That sounds confusing and… possibly a whole lot of fun. This has something to do with Hippo – heh-heh-heh! – Hippolyte Bouchard, who raided Monterey in 1818. But he wasn’t a pirate; he was a privateer. If you raid and plunder and wear a three-cornered tricorn hat and an eye patch, you’re a pirate. If you raid and plunder and wear a nice military-looking uniform with white gloves and have your hair combed, you’re a privateer.

Monterey Peninsula Archives Crawl. 10am-4pm Sat.

This is cool. It’s the thing where, like, 16 institutions will show you their deep, dark, secret collections. Photos, yearbooks, maps, and something called ephe… mera. Ephemera. Historians and archivists will be there to tell you what you’re looking at. And why it… matters? Let’s see, the Mayo Hayes O’Donnell Library is doing it. Heritage Society of Pacific Grove, Fort Ord Collections and Archives. You have to have a passport from Colton Hall Museum or Jewell House in Pacific Grove. But check this out: afterward, at 4:30pm, they’re going to have an archive crawl… with beer (242-8743, booker@monterey.org). Which must make archivists nervous as hell. Because you know someone’s going to pull something, like when Homer Simpson used the Stonecutter’s sacred parchment to wipe his mouth and blow his nose. Remember that? Doh!

Stevenson House Museum Tours. 1-4pm Sat and Sun.

Yeah, Robert Louis Stevenson stayed here. For a minute. He was a dandy. Velvet jackets and riding crops. He was sickly. And he was derivervitive. Derivate. De-ri-va-tive. That’s it. His writing was derivate. It’s conspiciously like that other author, from the same era, you know, the guy who wrote Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. There’s also a pirate treasure hunt starting at 11am on Saturday. Stevenson wrote Treasure Island. But let me ask you this: If a pirate wanted to keep his treasure buried and secret, why bury it on a place called Treasure Island!? That makes no sense!

1849 Constitutional Convention Re-enactment at Colton Hall. 2-3:30pm Sun.

The California Constitution was written in 1849. It was in Spanish and English. It was in Spanglish. And it was looooong. It starts off like we peeked over and copied from the U.S. Constitution. After that, we just winged it and added, like, 500 amendments. There’s stuff in there about how copies of the Constitution should be stitched, about how white male citizens can vote at all elections, how the state can’t sell lottery tickets. No 7-Eleven back then, either. But it’s a confusing read. Local actors are gonna re-enact the convention. Here is my enactment of a historical re-enactment. “Can anyone guess what this heavy-ass, rusty, iron tool is? Anyone? Anyone? It’s an early toothbrush. Why it weighs four pounds, I don’t know. We weren’t very advanced back then. We had much to learn.” Anyway, you gotta RSVIP for this one at 646-5640. Is that… hic… is that five? I’m sleepy. I’m going to bed. Enjoy.

Editorial note: The original story mis-stated that it was Monterey's 173rd birthday. It is Fisherman's Wharf's 173rd birthday. This story has been corrected. 

Monterey History Fest 2018 is 9am-5pm Saturday and Sunday, Oct. 13-14, in various locations throughout Monterey and Pacific Grove. Free. 646-5640, monterey.org/museums

Walter Ryce has been an arts writer, calendar editor, culture columnist, sometime photographer, and one-time web content coordinator for the Monterey County Weekly. He began working at the paper, which is based in his hometown of Seaside, in 2007.

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