Texts from Last Night co-creator compiles his top texts.


Ben Bator concedes he digs his gig. “It’s very nice to call this a job,” he says. “I can call going to the bar ‘market research.’” Visitors who sign up for an account on his site can assemble their favorite messages. Here are his:

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

Who would win… a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

Don’t freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn’t stop thinking about how scary space is

These people keep looking at me like I’m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn’t serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren’t heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more… Finding a dead body or me not being dead

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

so just incase I die tonight I’m making a list of people that I don’t want to be let in to my funeral

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i’d probably be on some lawn if it wasn’t for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don’t cheat on me before then.

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won’t lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.

I’m paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Someone changed my text signature to “Also, I think I might be gay” last night. Also, I think I might be gay

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?

It’s not kidnapping if it’s romantic

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I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was “i hate the taco shits”

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. what was she crying about? i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

I’m buying this stripper a house, I don’t care what her name is.

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now…

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars


We pay for beer, you give birth. It’s how the world works.

I have two black x marks on my hands.

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly ‘I can see your soul from here’

how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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