YOU WANT IT WHEN?… Spring has sprung and Squid can’t help but feel a ray of hope and optimism about the new season in at least one chamber of Squid’s three-chambered heart. And just like the appearances of lupine and poppies on local hillsides (see story) it’s also the season for the 2020/2021 Monterey County Civil Grand Jury’s first report to bloom. The shiny new jury of volunteers displayed their own sense of optimism about the wheels of Monterey County government turning much faster than they have previously.

In their report, “Vacation Rentals Enforcement in Monterey County: Little Progress Despite Years of Struggle,” jurors opined on how Monterey County government has taken way too long to come up with an ordinance and has done doing diddly-squat to take action against the proliferation of illegal short-term rental units along the coast and in Carmel Valley for at least seven years. The grand jury made eight recommendations, most ending in bold type declaring that the county should quickly create and enact an ordinance by Dec. 31, then implement it within six months.

That’s where Squid’s optimism ends – the odds of the county following through on that kind of timeline are about equivalent to Squid hitting the jackpot at the Deep Sea Casino.

THE FISH ARE ALRIGHT… No, the Monterey Bay Aquarium is not offering drive-thru exhibits; however, those who were around on the morning of March 19 got to witness the valiant effort of one driver to see the world-famous Aquarium from the comfort of his own van.

The Monterey Police Department reports Lucas McClain didn’t sustain any serious injuries after he crashed his 1987 Chevy van through a wall of the Aquarium. The van made it through a glass exterior wall but stopped short of harming any other people, or fish or, particularly important from Squid’s perspective, cephalopods. A little more speed may have gotten him into the auditorium but he still would have had to push his van across several rows of seats and through at least one more wall before making it to the lobby, where he would have seen more of the Aquarium than any other regular ol’ Joe during the pandemic. Police say the vehicle vs. sea life situation was worth a misdemeanor hit-and-run charge.

Things not found at the scene include: tire marks to show McClain tried to slow down before the crash (he told police his brakes failed); much detail on that ’87 Chevy, which police call “unknown model.”

Thing that may or may not have been at the scene: A suspiciously dildo-shaped object much dished about on social media, by people who swear they saw it, but which the police decline to either confirm or deny was found.

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