ANIMAL PLANET… Now that most pandemic-era restrictions have been lifted, Squid has decided to get back into the dating game. Squid first went to the salon (so as to put Squid’s best tentacle forward, thanks to a day of grooming), reloaded Tinder onto the phone (swiping left on all those otters is exhausting, but who wants to date those creepy necrophiliacs?) and set out to find Squid’s perfect match.
Squid made a match (a cute smoothskin octopus swiped right) and arranged to meet the potential new mate at a swank Carmel watering hole. But when Squid oozed into the bar, Squid was confused – at every table, inter-species couples sat: A dolphin and a grasshopper by the window, a zebra and a lizard in a cozy corner. It was then that Squid discovered Squid had stumbled onto the set of a new Netflix series called Sexy Beasts, in which humans don surrealistic-looking animal masks and attempt to find love based on their personalities alone.
Squid finds this wildly amusing for a few reasons, not the least of which is that – no offense to humans – their personalities are wholly lacking. For some real personality, Squid suggests schlepping to UC Santa Cruz, where evolutionary biologist Rita Mehta and her former lab technician, Kyle Donohoe, trained an eel named Qani to ooze up a ramp and feast on, err **check’s notes** a piece of squid held in place with a clamp, prompting the New York Times to write the best headline ever: “When an Eel Climbs a Ramp to Eat Squid from a Clamp, That’s a Moray.” A Moray. Get it? A Moray?
SURREAL ESTATE… Squid thinks it’s time to either gut renovate the lair, or find something new, a place where Squid can collapse after a day of snarking. So as Squid prices out new bathroom fixtures (Squid’s thinking a rainhead shower with steam function), Squid is also keeping Squid’s eyes on real estate listings. Famed actress Kim Novak’s former Carmel estate, with its sweeping views of the Pacific from high on a cliff, just hit the market for $12.5 million, and while Squid would appreciate being that close to the ocean (quick dips are Squid’s jam) that’s way out of Squid’s price range. Then Squid came across a little charmer in Pacific Grove, a two-bedroom, one-bath cottage of 1,009 square feet that needs some work inside, but would make the perfect place for Squid and Rosco to hang their hats. Surely Squid could afford to buy little 120 17th St.
But then Squid saw the price, compared said price to Squid’s bank account, and discovered that at $1.79 million, Squid was about $1.7 million short. Squid imagines some Silicon Valley tech bro will soon appear, cash in hand, and tear the 1910 cottage down and replace it with a McMansion. Because of course they will. Right after they attend TED, with its 2021 theme of “The Case for Optimism.”