BOOM AND BUST… One of Squid’s favorite running jokes, if you can call it that, is nothing more than the first two words of nearly every headline describing the latest bizarre crime out of the Sunshine State: “Florida man… ”
No matter how insane, outlandish or moronic, if you put those two words in front of anything, it suddenly makes sense (here’s one from this week: “Florida Man Attempts To Trade-In Stolen Car To The Dealership He Stole It From.”)
Recently, however, a crime occurred in Seaside that had Squid wondering if a Florida man was vacationing in the area. On Sept. 22, at around 5:30am, several people reported hearing an explosion near the Bank of America in Seaside, and Seaside Police arrived to find that, per a statement from the city, the ATM was damaged and surrounded by debris, which they believe was caused by an improvised explosive device. But worry not, good citizens of Seaside!
“[Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives] bomb technicians assured Seaside PD the device(s) used does not appear to have been made with sophistication. There is no present threat to our community.”
Maybe, upon further reflection, this particular crime doesn’t rise to the Florida man brand’s standards. Now if a suspect with a face tattoo was naked when police arrived, trying to finish the job on the ATM with a sledgehammer, that might sound like a man from Florida.
CODE CRACKED… Overcome by a wave of nostalgia for days long gone, Squid cracked open the ol’ Monterey Bay Fish School yearbook, hoping, for a moment, to relive those salad days of deeper complexion and stronger tentacles. Most likely to become a critic? Squid, of course. Most likely to resist change? Smelt. Though, if we could expand the pool of candidates for that category to terrestrial animals, Squid is confident the honor would go to the residents of Carmel, who, Squid is sure, would be happy to accept any trophy as long as it is shiny.
Battling your local high school’s quest to add stadium lights so student-athletes can finally play nighttime home games on their own turf because of concerns around a possible increase of traffic is a new level of NIMBYism (Not in My Backyard) that deserves a superlative trophy, Squid thinks. (See News story.) Traffic, it seems, can be used to battle anything and everything.
After mulling it over during a long, stress-relieving bath, Squid has it all figured out. “Traffic” is actually an acronym. That’s Really A Front For Impeding Change. Ah-ha! Squid supposes we shouldn’t be surprised to hear “traffic” used as an argument against changing Carmel High School’s problematic mascot, either.